🤯 Eternal chaos of an ever-changing mind
Bjaolkjdsi jsk eruoaisjdoaij flantchekiudhj jhs rbgatgd sdkjskj skdhj, and here it goes.
Portuguese version is here :)
I've been thinking about what to write for days, and it seems that only bad ideas come to mind. They're not terrible, but they're not interesting. And so I oscillate between "don't write about anything, you don't have to" and the guilt of not having any great ideas to share with you - who at some point thought that this internet space was worth your subscription.
And then comes the news: Israel and Palestine, politicians trying to ban gay marriage in Brazil, smoke from the fires in Manaus - Amazon, thousands of people dying or suffering because there are a bunch of stuck up morons making decisions on issues that don't concern them and are leagues away from their realities.
Should I comment on the news? Should I write about the news? Will I seem alienated? Will I seem too politicized - which I'm definitely not. Should I be more politicized?
Wait, first we have bills to pay.
Because in between comes the money, which can only be obtained through work, I think. I need to work, pursue projects, run ongoing projects, produce content and continue with the social media strategy.
Social media 🤦♀️
To bring professional content to my personal Instagram still makes me question myself on a daily basis. Is it worth it? Is it working? When will it work? "Just keep doing the agreed plan until the end of the year, just do it." - I keep hearing Gabi's voice, the C-everything-O of my company, which brings me to my senses and keeps my creative monsters channeling in the right direction.
But if I only talk about work on social media, won't I seem like an alienated person who doesn't talk about world news? I don't even have the depth to talk about any news, I suffer like most from the pain of what is far away, hoping that none of it comes close.
Selfishness? Or lack of time? Because in the midst of this, life is passing us by.
We put the social media feed in front of us, because what's behind is even more work: creating a routine, taking care of our health, our diet, studying, cultivating relationships, taking care of the housework. I'd rather not even think about it. Is there any new series on Netflix?
My mother is coming to visit at the end of the month (think about the itinerary, think about money, think about everything I've already talked about in therapy). Last week I was at an event in Germany, "Oh, you can't complain about life, can you?" Not about life and not about the 23 trains I had to take in 4 days because the German train system is chaotic and nobody believes it because they're German, right?
It sounds fancy, but how do you fit a reasonable routine into this chaotic schedule, in which nothing seems to have a fixed place?
What is the prison in which those who own their time live?
One of mine is the creative prison: a huge room with no doors, where I try to tame all the ideas and desires of my creative monster, who lives there. Don't speak ill of it, I appreciate him, but sometimes it gets a bit uncontrollable, especially now during PMS. And if I don't give in, he shouts: "Why are you wasting your time, your ideas and your creative potential doing what everyone else is doing?"
For him, I would have already written my fiction book, a work book, not let the dust accumulate on my Lettering pens and brushes, created a brilliant ARG, written more often, had an Instagram of phrases and reflections, cooked more, been a full-time writer (earning for it, right?) and, of course, found a way to continue singing here in Denmark.
And what did I do to control it? I spent two days humming around the house an aria by Henri Purcell called "Oh Let me weep" that I performed a few years ago. yey.
Okay, it's 8:06. It's time to collect these loose parts and put everything back in the box. We'll tidy up later.
Time for coffee (should I drink coffee every day?), bread and butter (what about healthy eating?) and to anchor myself in the solidity of today's to-do list. Studying Danish, going for a walk with my dog, building the materials for my next workshop, publicizing it, holding a meeting for a new podcast - it sounds like everything is in order. Maybe I should say these things out loud to see the glass as half full.
Whether it's these tasks that will take me further, I have no way of knowing, but taking it one day at a time will ease the guilt and chaos.
And let's have a good cup of coffee and then everything will settle down ☕
I follow a newsletter that just happened to arrive in my inbox while I was publishing this text:
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news recommendation 🌻Remember: English is not my native language! This is a translated version of Liliando in Portuguese. If you see any major mistake, please be kind and just let me know!